Monday, January 23, 2006

life is dark and strange and beautiful and almost lonely and completely depressing and heavy and full of surprises and pretty things...

and we're in the middle of it.
and it goes so fast.


so, i was thinking that the problem with putting god in a box, putting him "in his place" so to speak, is that... he won't come out. he will not come out of wherever i put him. not because he can't or because he doesn't want to, its that when i try and mathematically figure him out, i compartmentalize his... bigness. i make him nice. i make him pretty. i make him cool. i try to bring him into situations where i'm totally off-centered and blind, but he's like a timid kitty who just wants to sleep and maybe have some milk. redeeming me may be a job a little too big for him. loving me would definitely not be his strong point.

my god has been too safe. i think i had him hanging out at the house or the starbucks while i was at work or dealing with real people, and while i was out at the bar he had to be in bed a certain time to get ready for the next day.


i've never been a fan of country music and i don't think i ever will be, but a while ago i came across a beautiful song on a "christian radio station" that caught me off guard because the truth in the lyrics seemed to sing directly to my heart. its called "god walks the dark hills". i would like to share it with you:

God walks the dark hills
The ways, the by-ways
He walks on the bellows
Of life’s trouble sea
He walks in the cold, dark, night
The shadows at midnight
God walks the dark hills
To guide you and me

God walks the dark hills
To guide my foot steps
He walks every way
By night and by day
He walks in silence
On down life’s highway
God walks the dark hills
To show me the way

And God walks in the storm
The rain, the sunshine
He walks in the shadows
Or through glimmering lights
Helps us walk up the mountain so high
Cross the rivers and valley
God walks the dark hills
Because He loves you and me
this idea has been able to get me through my days recently because i'm reminded that i'm so very unalone. god is very compassionate and unsmall. he is definitely holy. we are definitely sinful, but also accepted and forgiven through jesus. i'm finding this to be some of the most beautiful stuff i've ever experienced since i first gave myself to god to do what he would with my clay heart. it is also some of the HARDEST and most DIFFICULT stuff i've ever dealt with in the history of me being... me.
if jesus were around today, talking and walking in the shadows with me (and i believe he is), i would like to think he'd say things like, "shhh... its alright. just breathe." and "i still love you, you know... i always have. watch this..." and he'd do something fantastic with his hands like give me a drink or tell me a great story about elderly men and women or turtles and rabbits or pete and pete just to paint a vivid picture of my state and his opinion of me. he would tell me to dream big dreams.
i think i would want to tell him how screwed up i was and remind him that was definitely not a good person. he would know this. he would remind me that i am still his and he were mine. i'd want to keep talking and try to shock him with tales of my experiences in sin, but i'd probably just sit in silence because i'd know that what he said was very true. i'd know he was right.
when i hear that song, i picture the old INCREDIBLE HULK tv series that came on sci-fi when i was a kid, with the bruce banner character walking from town to town, all nomadic and whatnot. being in the heaviness of things, moving around and settling for a little while before he became upset and turned big and green and broke things.
kind of.
ps. this is all in broken thought. a big ramble. i just felt like sharing, since these things were all bumping around in my brain.
take care.